Lately, I have spent a bit of time revamping my blog. A new title. A new domain. A little tweaking here and there. In the end, it pretty much looks like it did to begin with. I guess I liked it just the way it was.
As I went through the process of making a few small changes, I discovered that the tags that we attach at the end of our stories, magically get organized into an invisible filing system. When you hover your mouse over any of the tags, and then right click with your mouse, all stories within the same category appear. Wallah! Just like magic! I love this newly found feature. For someone as innately unorganized as myself, it is like having your very own secretary.
After discovering this feature, I found myself clicking & opening different tags from all the blogs I have written over the past year or so. I was curious to see what I had unconsciously written about most.
I discovered that there was a small common sub-theme sprinkled throughout most of my posts. Sometimes in a small way, sometimes big. I kept seeing it mentioned over and over again. My Mom.
I paused when I noticed this. A warm, sweet feeling flooded my heart. Followed by a mixture of emotions. Happiness, love and then sadness. That feeling of void because she was not with us anymore. One day, just like that, without any notice or forewarning, she was taken from us.
We used to talk on the phone several times a week. If it was in the morning, we’d sit and chat, always laughing together. Though miles apart from each other, on those mornings we’d go through a pot of coffee together. Or if it was in the afternoon or evening, wine.
She always mentioned my blog. Commenting on what she liked about a certain post. About what made her laugh. Or cry. If too much time went by between posts, she’d ask when I was going to write next. She said the first thing she did each morning was look to see if there was an email notifying her of a ‘New Blog post from Margber’ – She said it would make her day if there was a new post. That she got excited and looked forward each day to reading my blog – but was let down if there was nothing new. I never really knew if that was true or if it was just a tall tale to her daughter – a way of conveying a mother’s love.
I tossed around the idea of making a tribute post to her for her birthday. It was two days ago. She would have turned 79. I wanted to honor her in some small way. But the words never came. So I let the moment pass, silently honoring her special day. Missing her so incredibly much. Offering up a vow to give anything for one more cup of coffee together and long, drawn out phone conversation. It had been so long since I had heard her voice.
After the bittersweet feelings of this discovery started to subside, I thought about her with a smile in my heart. It made sense to me that her name was peppered throughout my writing and continues to be. She was a major influence of mine in regards to following my muse. Thank You, Mom!
She was such a positive role model in my life. Recently, more-so than ever, I’ve noticed that I am becoming more like her each day. Oh, I know my kids and hubby have kidded me about this for years, but it was not until the past few months that I truly became aware of just how much I AM my Mother. Not so much in little ways anymore, but in big, wonderful ways. I embrace this fact each time I catch myself doing something or saying something that she would have said. My actions so often mirror actions of hers that are branded on my heart. Years ago this would have made me cringe. Today? It secretly pleases me. I think of it as God’s way of keeping our loved ones spirit alive and present in our everyday Lives. Thank You, God!
My mom’s passing still seems so surreal to me. In a way, I think it always will. Mainly because she still feels so present in my life – through my actions & in my words and through my writing. Stumbling upon those tags and their path that led me back to my mom, was a cherished gift. Re-reading some of my posts about her was like stumbling upon a treasure of gold.
Happy Birthday, Mom. I Love You.