Dear Mom

the-beautiful-heart

Dear Mom,

Last Saturday I was signed up for a computer class.  I grabbed my laptop and headed towards the front door.  As I walked past the front room to turn off the TV, the Olympic Hockey game caught my attention.  The USA was playing.  There are a few Blackhawks on the team and I saw Kane whiz by.  So I sat down on the arm of the chair and watched the remainder of it.   For the life of me, I now can not remember who the USA was playing but I remember that it was an amazing game.   We ended up winning in a shootout.

Sitting there and watching that game made me late for my class.  But it didn’t matter.  As I turned off the TV and stood up to leave, my phone rang.  I thought about not answering it because I was running late, but something prompted me to pick it up.  So I juggled the heavy things I was carrying, freed up my right hand and answered it.  It was Tim.  I could not understand him.  Something about you.  He was talking in broken sentences.   I caught bits and pieces of it.  Panic started to rise in me.  And then, my heart stopped.

I don’t think I could have ever been prepared for that call.  I don’t understand how this could have happened.  You did everything right.  You exercised and ate right.  You lived an active lifestyle…..

The week was a blur of emotions.  The phone calls started immediately.  The txt’s came, too.  And the condolences via social media.  Isn’t it odd how fast word spreads now-a-days?  It’s rather comforting to know that when tragedy strikes, we are instantly lifted up in prayer.  Amy immediately jumped on a flight from Houston to Chicago.  She got in late.  (Well, late for me. You know how I love to be in my pj’s early.)  So I picked her up at the airport and we drove together in the dark to get home.  Home to Indiana.  Home to where we were raised.  Home to gather together with our other siblings.  The drive was hazardous.  I was white knuckled by the time I got there.  I’m not sure if it was because we were driving through whiteouts on icy, snow covered roads or if it was because I was holding onto the steering wheel a bit too tight for fear of what lie ahead for all of us.

Bruce took the week off of work.  He was by my side every step of the way.  Tim, Bobby, Nancy, Amy and myself – along with our spouses –  all found comfort in being surrounded by each other.  All week.

I miss you so much.  I can’t believe I’m never going to see you or talk to you again in this lifetime.  There’s so many things I still want to ask you.  And talk to you about.  And tell you……

Scottie got the job.  Remember I told you about his interview?  You said you would start a Novena for him.  Did you have time to start it?  Bruce and Lauren are going on a long weekend somewhere.  They are waiting to see which flights are open.   Remember the first time Bruce Robt. flew in to see you and take you to lunch?  He talks about it often.  That visit was the first of many trips back and forth to visit you.  In his words, “Grandma is the coolest!!”  Brian has a lead on an internship this summer.  He’s working hard and continues to keep his GPA up.  And he loves the college life.  He has become so independent.  It’s hard to believe he is almost done with college.  You were right.  Time does go fast.  Too fast.

You were taken from us way too soon.  The thought of never seeing you again or talking to you in this lifetime is too much….

Me?  I miss you more than words can describe.  My heart is heavy and I walk around with a pit in my stomach and a constant feeling deep inside that something is wrong.  I know you always told me that your prayer was that when your time was up, that the Lord would take you quickly.  He heard your prayer, Mom.  But I have a huge hole in my heart because I did not get to say goodbye to you.  I did not get to tell you how blessed I was to have you as my mother.  I wanted to be next to you when your time came to leave this earth, holding your hand and telling you how incredibly much I love you.  To tell you that I will miss you.  And that I will see you again one day and until that day, pray for me.  But God had a plan for you and He decides when our time on earth is done.  He decides when to call us home.  And in my heart I know you are in a better place.  You are at peace.

So Please, Don’t worry about any of us.  Right now our hearts are heavy.  But through our faith and in time, our feelings of sadness and devastating loss will be replaced by happy memories of our time spent with you.  I’m going to miss you so much.  I already do.  I can not thank you enough for the strong faith you instilled in me and for the unconditional love you showered me with.  I’ll pray for you everyday.  And I know you’ll pray for me, too.

I Love You,
Peggy

“We never really get over devastating loss. In the thick of it, we almost stop breathing; sometimes even wishing we could. And we know deep within that we will never be the same. Yet, one day we feel the sun on our face again. We find ourselves smiling at a child or a joke or a memory. And at that moment, we realize we are finding our way back. Changed forever? Yes. But also softer, deeper, more vulnerable and more loving too. And we are breathing again…..”

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87 thoughts on “Dear Mom

  1. Aunt Nancy

    I haven’t shed a tear since I returned, but your story let the tears flow – finally – and I feel better for it. What a loving, compassionate person we have all lost. But I will go on because of all the wonderful memories I have stored up over the last 77 years. I love you and I’m happy you know what a very special person your mom, my sister was.

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  2. Anne Weber

    Dear Peggy. As I sit here with tears running down my face your word are reminders to spend time with those you love as much as you can. I can’t say that I know that whole in your heart because my parents are still with us. Healthy, happy and with it. But at 80 and 76 I ache for their presence and sometimes ache knowing they will be gone. . I see them once a year and hurt when I leave as I know they do as well. My mission is to spend more time with them- even more so after feeling your heartache. I am so glad you have such great memories of time well spent with your mom. It is obvious you both loved each other so very much. Until the end of time. I pray you feel the sun on your face as a sign she is sending you warm thoughts. Hoping you find comfort in the love of your beautiful family.

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    1. I’m learning to cope. The wound is still fresh and my heart is still very heavy. I know that it is a process and I have the faith to know I will come through this stronger. Thank you for your comment.

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  3. i’m so sorry. i think there is nothing so life-altering as the passing of ones mother. you’re left with the feel of great longing…and yet your mom is with you: in wind, in sun, in rain; in happiness and in sorrow; you are the the product of this wonderful person that was your mother. within you her life has got a meaning even after her death. sirpa

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  4. Jeri

    Words escape me, but never you. You have written a beautiful tribute for a beautiful lady, I’m so happy that I had the good fortune of meeting her. All my love

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  5. So sorry to read about the sudden loss of your mom. It is such a numbing ordeal, but your words reveal the strength and connection she helped form in you and she lives on through you and your siblings. I am glad that you are not alone and have many friends and family to comfort you. Blessings to you all.

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  6. Nancy (sister)

    Dear Peg,

    what a marvelous gift you have been given to put your heart into words. I was doing a little better until I read this. You have been able to convey in words what I think in my heart and cannot put into words. We are all so blessed to have been give such a wonderful person as mom. I am also blessed to have such amazing siblings. I love you and miss you.
    I went back to work this morning, thought I was ready until I walked through the door and the terrific people I work with came to me and hugged me and gave me wonderful words of encouragement. I also had 2 different co-workers make monetary donations in moms name (one t0 Kidney Foundation and one to CF Foundation) and one person had a mass said at her church for mom.

    Congrats to Scottie. Hugs to him. I had no doubts he would get it.
    Will talk to you soon, So much love to you.

    -Nancy

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  7. arkansasrose

    I’m so sorry to hear about your mother. I honestly don’t know what I’d do if my mom died – See what I did there? “If” because I can’t bring myself to even consider “when”. Thank you for sharing this deeply personal experience and your feelings. It made me teary but it also made my heart glad to know this kind of love still exist in the world.

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  8. Diane

    A beautiful memoir about a beautiful lady! It took several attempts for me to finish because I couldn’t see through the tears. I was lucky to have a mother-in-law that most would dream of. We will always miss her. I talk to her a lot through prayer and just know that she will always be a guardian angel in our lives. Keep the Faith!

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    1. Thank You, Diane. And thank you for being such a comfort to everyone this past week. My mom was very blessed to have you as a Daughter in Law and we are all so blessed to have you as a sister. Love You! xo

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  9. Amy

    Peggy: Our hearts are all breaking. I can’t imagine that this emptiness and pain i have will ever go away. I keep thinking this cannot be true. How can this have happened? Why? I feel so empty, sad, and hollow. I feel like someone is stomping on my chest and I cannot breath. I continue to get donations in the mail from friends in mom’s name. I continue to get mass card for her. Many for masses at Notre Dame. Everyone loved her. I just keep looking at old texts and emails from her. Some from just days ago. It is so hard, but I trust God and have faith in Him. One day I will be able to walk by mom’s picture and not cry. One day….not today though. I love you. XOXO Amy

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    1. Losing our mom is a pain I can not describe. Im grateful for the outpouring of support and love we are getting from family, friends and our church families. Where would we be without this continued circle of support? True blessings for all of us. Love and prayers to you, Amy. xo

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  10. I’m so sorry! I know how difficult it is, not being able to say goodbye. In a couple of weeks it will be six years since my Dad passed away. I wasn’t able to say goodbye. Praying for you and your family. God Bless!

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  11. As I read this through tears, I believe I could feel your grief. I’m convinced that when a mom dies, she takes a piece of our heart with her. My mom died 10 years ago. I still miss her like crazy and shed tears because I miss her so.

    I pray that happy memories will enfold you in warmth and love and, yes, even laughter, for I suspect that’s what your mom would want.

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  12. dicampbell

    I came across your blog after you visited mine. I just lost my dad last week, so what you’ve written resonates with me. My sincerest condolences to you and your loved ones. I hope you find comfort and strength during this very difficult time.

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  13. I keep thinking of you and hope you are finding the love and support you need to get you through this time of mourning. I lost my mom very young and I still remember waking up that first morning, realizing for the first time in my life she was no longer behind me somewhere, reachable. I was numb for a month, walking through life by rout. Time is the only thing that heals. Love the only thing that soothes the scar.

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  14. Peggy, you have written a beautiful tribute to your mother … heartbreaking and real. Thank you for sharing her with us and for sharing your loss, no matter how difficult. I hope you can find peace and comfort in this incredibly difficult time. So very sorry …

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  15. I am so sorry…. I don’t usually shed this many tears during this part of the day 🙂 Thank you for sharing your soul. This verse has brought me comfort though dark days, I hope it brings some light to you:

    The Lord your God is with you
    He is mighty to save
    He will take great delight in you
    He will quiet you with His love
    He will rejoice over you with singing
    Zeph. 3:17

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  16. My heart goes out to you.. I lost my beautiful mum 16 years ago and I still miss her so badly.. I miss telling her the little things I did with my day. I miss that comforting smile. I miss the cup of tea that could cure everything.. We never get over losing our mums.. I’m so sorry for your loss xxx

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  17. Dearest Peggy – I am so thankful that you stopped by my blog this morning so that I could find this letter for a few reasons, one of which is that I can be in prayer for your heart this morning. Trust me, I know it takes awhile when you love so much to get back on your feet, and even then, it is just so hard. It is really nice to meet you. You write beautifully. Skye

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  18. Dear Peggy, That was beautifully written. I choose to believe that after a loved one passes they still know what’s happening with us, but as all her children stood together with their families at their sides — that togetherness and love is what she hoped to create in you, and she succeeded. I’m a mother of 4 and a grandmother of 10; I’m healthy and keep active and like you, love to write. I certainly don’t want to die, but I’m not that afraid of it either. What I fear the most is what you’re going through. I don’t want my children to feel that pain, that sense of loss, that emptiness, that sadness. But they will and I can’t do anything about it. Your mom didn’t want to leave you, but God called her to be with him. Just as God knows your breaking heart, he knows you are strong, loved, and will heal with time. May the peace of God which passes all human understanding be with you.

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  19. Hi Marg – you’re words were beautiful and moving. I know that your mom will hear them, how can they possibly leave us when they live in our hearts. Speak to her often, she’ll be there for you.

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    1. I think that must be the universal reply from all parents. I would not want my children to be sad, either. However, that is easier said than done. Thanks for reading my blog.

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  20. To lose someone so suddenly is really hard. I lost my Dad in the blink of an eye; from complaining about a bit of back ache to just not being there anymore. Really hard. All the best as you find your way through it.

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  21. I’ve lost both parents. My dad was sick with a long, drawn out illness. My mom, here one moment, gone the next. Neither is preferable. Coping with death is one of the hardest thing we deal with in our lives. Thanks for commenting.

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  22. Letting go is the hardest lesson live offers us. But (according to what I read) you have close friends & family to hold you while you let go!
    Wishing you love & strength. Thanks for sharing.
    xoxo B

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  23. grieving can be a selfish thing we do because we want the person for ourselves or see them as an integral part of ourselves or our character. I was happy when dad died because he had always said he would be going to a place where he would be happy, he was a Salvation Army Officer, a preacher actually involved in the hostels. Diabetes had severed a leg and he suffered in his 70’s but I don’t believe in heaven but I believe he is having a great time, probably got his head under the hood of a car fixing it right now. – Be happy because sounds like your mom would not want anything else. – (so much for saying thankyou for popping by to the Rye this morning)

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  24. Pingback: What’s in a Tag? | Being Margaret

  25. This is a good idea: posting a letter to Mom. I should do this. I have so many things to tell her. It’s almost three years later and I STILL instinctively reach for the phone when I think of something I know she would love to hear about. Your love for your mother is beautiful and I thank you for sharing it with us.

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    1. I lost my Dad 16 years ago, which is hard to believe. It was very difficult. But losing my mom was life changing. She was the glue that held my family together. WE were so close and I miss her so much every single day. Blogging has helped me to get through ti somewhat.

      Thank you for stopping and taking the time to make such a lovely comment.

      Liked by 1 person

  26. Margaret I am so sorry for your loss. It is indeed hard. My mother has been gone for 27 years, more than half my life and I am an only child so it was painful. Your blog post brought back fond memories. This was, and is, a beautiful tribute to your Mom.

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  27. Thanks for sharing so honestly. I lost Mom unexpectedly in late December of 2000. Christmas has never quite been the same since. It definitely feels like the breath gets sucked out of you when you get “the call”. Still miss hearing her voice but we “talk” all the time.

    I really love what John O’Donohue writes about loved ones who pass. Check it out in his book Anam Cara or on his web site http://www.johnodonohue.com

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    1. Yes, especially when it’s so unexpected. I still feel as tho there is no closure and Im guessing a part of me witll always feel that way.

      Thank you for the book link. Im going to definitely check that out. I will let you know how I liked it. Thanks again!

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  28. I’ve just read this after reading your post about women needing women in their lives. I’m still drying my tears – what a beautiful tribute to your mum. I’m so sorry for your loss and wish you strength and peace as the anniversary comes around.

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  29. Pingback: Look, there’s a cardinal – Being Margaret

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